Excerpts from Emails

by Jack Murphy

it’s hard to find good things from emails. i generally forget things relatively soon after they happen.

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night time is the right time to listen to ben frost

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“Okay now students go home and ask your relatives to see if they can roll their tongue if their earlobes are attached in they have innie or outie belly buttons if they’re double jointed okay and make sure to fill out the worksheet and tomorrow we’ll talk about punnett squares and dna” – bert’s elementary school science teacher

 

*bert just goes home and sticks out her tongue at everyone*

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TESSIO!!!!!!!!!!!!! (night at the roxbury emilio voice)

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Sorry y’all im becoming a dnb dj now

autonomic only though soz

just the night drive dnb that will make you cry as you sit low in your all black with blue underglow nissan skyline 34 gt-r that you had imported but you got it converted to a left hand drive car because the dmv was being a pain and you’re upset about that so you put on the jack murphy liquid lounge 33 mix and as soon as instra:mental’s photograph comes on you just cry. your tears fall down on to your grey under armor shirt. you realize what could have been with you and Bree, your last girlfriend. you realize that you messed up, you shouldn’t have insulted her dog and then left her sitting alone at macaroni grill last friday while you were hanging with your friend Jeremy in his new subaru hatchback with the new nos install. you shouldn’t have told Bree’s dad that you liked “hitting it from the back.” You shouldn’t have told Bree that, as well. You shouldn’t have gone on tinder swiping right to everyone and sending winky faces to everyone who would swipe right for you. You shouldn’t have told your dad that you needed some lunch money when really you didn’t, you just wanted to go down to autozone and buy some underglow for the passenger seat foot rest area. You shouldn’t have done all of those things, but you did, and now you’re remembering them all as you listen to Jack’s Liquid Lounge 33, your shirt is a mess, and you’re crying in your beautiful car, man. You have a beautiful car, though, you have a great xbox live account, you have a mom who still loves you and makes you bagel bites when you ask for them. Stop crying, dude,

 

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XI. Members Of Dipset Finally Respond A$AP Rocky’s Self-Description As An “Artiste”

 

“o u an artiste yea well lemme tell u im the original kufi slapper” – juelz santana

“o u an artiste ha whats rly good tho i got 50 strippers in my mom’s basement & we gonna have a poetry readin with bell hooks” – camron

ASAP Rocky gets mad bc he tries to go over to the bell hooks poetry read in camrons moms basement and he gets turned away bc he’s an artiste

“juelz gon slap the kufi offa ya if you keep sayin you an artiste boy boy” – jim jones to A$AP Rocky

“o u an artiste rocky? yea well je suis dipset b*tch!!!!!!! okay juelz lets go to the looou’ver (sic)” – camron

cam and juelz go to the musee d’orsay to record a new music vid: “im eatin museli in the musey doosey watch ya step boy its a doozy”

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like i said, i was playin FIFA with tim, and tim goes on me…and hes playin as chelsea remember right… and im arsenal….basically..what happens is i totally own his trash and hes all cryin an ish and im like time for dairy queen!!! and hes all like “wtf no dude” i was like “you totes agreed” point is….. obama is

 

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you ever have those moments where you write an acid line that you’re like “i’m pos that this is a p original acid line” and you just feel good about life? .. i know i do (will ferrell talking to the camera while walking along a techno backdrop voice)

 

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WE GOT THE OLD PICS . . . OF WHAT UTAH JUSTFIVESTAR JACK LOOKED LIKE . . . BEFORE HE STARTED GETTING THEM BOOTY SHOTS!!!

OH MY GAWWWWWD!!!! Utah Techno FREAK . . . Jack Murphy . . . Wore One Of Those SEE THROUGH Video Vixen Dresses . . . Onto The Red Carpet!! (Didn’t DRAYA Wear That Dress)

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(anyone who wasn’t caught up in the jimmer hype while he was at byu voice)

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(lil wayne on dubstepforum voice)

Visionquest is RA’s D-Generation X

“Raw Is War” – Seth Troxler

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(A Self-Aware Eugene Onegin Voice)

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**sings** Let Me Be What I Want To Be (James Stinson voice) (my James Stinson voice is really my Michael McDonald voice)

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For Those Of You Who Don’t Parlay Fransay, “Lebron” is French For The Bron

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welcome to the concrete jungle

got rave tapes

got snakes

got lions no hover?

idk what he’s saying

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the count is an analytic philosopher

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I Mean I Know You’re Going To Melbourne For Two Months And You’re Moving Apartments In Berlin But Like Chmon Lee.

 

L A U G H E D

.

.

.

O U T

.

.

.

.

..

LOUD

 

Love me for me me me me me me me me me me me

 

 

Then the groom’s friend, an older latino guy comes up, asks “chu/ju got any latino or salsa music?”

 

“Sorry, I don’t, is there something on your phone that you would like me to play though?”

 

“Oh, yes. Hold on one second”

 

A minute later, he hands me his phone and asks me to play Santana & Rob Thomas’s “Smooth.” It took all of my energy to keep from laughing at this 1000% latino guy in his late 30s / early 40s ask me to play “Smooth.” In any case, I obliged him and played Smooth, nd he went nuts.

 

 

i run into a bunch of overweight white men mostly with hair that look like thye are secretly baseball coaches for youth on the side but they were running around a mall area that had wood panel lockers (the nice kind) playing a cops and robbers type scenario. their moves were very crouched and strafey in a way that was dance-like.

 

 

brandon says to me that this is no problem, and gets out a like heatray gun. the heatray gun is one that looks like it should be used on ceramics. no fire comes out, just waves of heat, and it vibrates intensely. it’s held like a motorized hand blender except that it is brown and looks like a hardened and glazed clay type material. i can see the heatwaves melting my gun