The Aptitude Test

by Meg McManama

Multiple Choice Section (please circle correct answer)

1. Person N seems somewhat proficient in kissing; as this is your first kiss, you find yourself unsure of how to breathe. You
a. Snort as you try to get air through your nostrils.
b. Try breathing through your eye sockets.
c. Suck the air out of Person N’s lungs.
d. Go home.

2. Person S screams at you, “I wish you had never been born!” You
a. Throw a beany baby in Person S’s general direction because aim has never been a gift of yours.
b. Kick Person S in the groin.
c. Forgive Person S after 12 years.
d. Take a bath; wait for the day when you can move out of home.

3. Person T, whispers, “I love you.” You
a. Kick Person T in the groin and run away.
b. Stare at your feet, awkwardly. Let your eyes glide along the green grass; wish you were a blade of grass.
c. Tell Person T, “I love you too.”
d. Wake up.

4. Passing the campus’ indoor track, you pick up the phone to hear your mother tell you she has cancer. You
a. Decide that this is the end, run into the oncoming traffic of sprinters.
b. Stare at the puke green carpet blanketing the concrete floors; wish you were part of the puke green carpet.
c. Move home.
d. Call Person S, sit in silence together over the news, and decide to forgive Person S.
e. Snort.
f. Call Person T and tell them you love them.

5. Walking home alone, crying, you try praying because
a. You were saddened that you gave up, and took a kick to the eye, and a few steps on the kidney by some sprinters.
b. You cannot go home.
c. You never told Person T that you loved them.
d. Your mom has cancer.

True or False (please circle correct answer)

6. True or False. You will never be a blade of grass.

7. True or False. The only time you kicked someone in the groin it was an accident during a game of capture the flag; he was 12.

8. True or False. It is too late to tell Person T that you love them.

9. True or False. You want to go home.

10. True or False. To inspire is derived from the Latin word Inspiritus. It means that God will breathe into your nostrils.