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Poor Ways to End a Love Story

Tyler Paul Corbridge

  1. Boy is gloriously killed on the battlefield during wartime.  After a period of mourning, Girl is content to know that Boy died loving her, and that’s that.
  2. Boy, who was mistakenly declared K.I.A., returns safely from the war to find Girl with Boy B.
  3. When Boy miraculously returns, Girl leaves Boy B (who was a putz anyway) to reunite with her old lover who admits, regrettably, that now he has fallen for Boy B and that they love each other very much and it would be alright if she stopped calling them.
  4. Suffering from alcoholism and other common post-war complications, Boy is unsuccessful in maintaining a healthy relationship with Boy B.  Arguments pursue and things are said that aren’t truly meant.  Boy dies alone, at his own hands, young, bearded, and drunk.
  5. As Boy considers taking his own life, there is a knock at the door.  He answers and Evangelical missionaries teach, convert, baptize, and save Boy.  He dies old.
  6. With newfound faith in God, Boy becomes a traveling Bible salesman.  He is rejected; he is spit on and humiliated.  Boy curses the world and chooses to live an ascetic life as a recluse, sinless and unhappy.
  7. While selling Bibles, Boy meets Girl B, an amputee.  She woos him, loves him, and then pleads with him, as a disciple of Christ, to invoke God and heal her amputated leg.  Boy curses God and dies.
  8. Having cursed God and religion, Boy sells wristwatches instead.  Though not by miracle, but by remarkable coincidence, he happens to ring at the door of Girl, the woman he loved previous to the war, who is now living many hundreds of miles from where their story began.  They exchange feelings of surprise, sense their old love rekindled in only moments, and then Husband calls out from somewhere in the house, “Who’s at the door, honey?”  Boy blushes, stumbles through an awkward farewell, and promises to keep in touch.  He doesn’t.
  9. Boy meets Girl in secret.  They make love.  Husband finds out.  Husband murders Boy.
  10. Boy meets Girl in secret.  They make love.  As responsible, mature adults, Boy and Girl confront Husband and explain the situation.  Husband is reasonable and understanding.  In fact, he is moved to tears by their story of true love and stunning coincidence, insomuch that he steps aside and allows their hallowed affection to blossom once again.
  11. Boy marries Girl.  They live happily ever after.